The Kanasai Guide to Driving in KL

A Lot Of Nonsense, Good ol Kanasai KL, My Favouriteson February 20th, 20097 Comments

If you’ve ever driven in KL, you’ll know for a fact that driving to work is never just ‘a drive to work’.

Or a trip down town to a friend’s place.

Sure, you want to get to your friend’s place to do whatever it is that you wanna do. But the drive there itself is an experience and a half.

Take for an example the Bulatan Jalan Pahang that I have to go through every single day of work.

Seriously, I tell you ar, if for some unknown reason Satan wanted to start making roundabouts in Hell, he’d just have to come right down to the this roundabout, hang around for half an hour, drive through it just 2 times and he’d be left wandering just why everyone’s so afraid to go to Hell when in fact, there already is Hell on earth.

See, on the way back from work today I thought I’d be a smart ass and take pictures of the roundabout.

Yeap …. smart guy you ar Jay…..

1. When was the last time you saw a dude standing around taking pictures of a roundabout without thinking of him as a nutcase?

2. I’d have to pull over at a roundabout. If I did that at rush hour, you won’t be visiting me at jaythean.com anymore. You’d be visiting me at my funeral.

So I kinda nipped a picture of the roundabout from those guys over at disini.net. Thank you folks at Disini.net, I’m glad you guy managed to take a picture of the roundabout and live to upload it.

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Okay so this picture doesn’t exactly do justice to how I just described the roundabout.

But the fact is, I reckon if you’re able to survive driving through this roundabout during peak hours (which is exactly when I go to work and come back from work), you’d probably be able to do any other roundabout with your eyes closed and your hands tied behind your back.

Erhmm …. maybe not your hands tied behind your backlah … but you get my drift.

Like I said, driving in KL is an experience and an assault on all your sense … not to mention your sanity.

That’s why after 2 weeks of observation on KL roads, I’ve managed to come up with …

THE KANASAI GUIDE TO DRIVING IN KL ~!!

Hey …… no I’m not giving excuses for not updating my blog for the past 2 weeks. =P

Let’s start with ….

How to Line up at a Toll Booth in KL

So you’re at a toll right? What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you’re at a toll?

Queue up and wait your turn at the correct lane right? I mean, if you’re paying cash, you’re definitely not gonna be queueing up at the Touch N Go lane right?

Wrong.

When queueing up at a toll, be sure to start off in the wrong lane. If you’re paying cash do line up at the Touch N Go Lane or Smart Tag lane that’s next to the cash lane.  

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Before reaching said toll, weave out of the Touch N Go Lane and cut into the cash lane.

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Be sure to honk at glaring passengers. And if they honk at you first, do not hesitate to show them the finger.

After all, what do they know about driving etiquette? They didn’t buy their license from the coffee shop at RM2000.

Now that you car’s backside is sticking out, do hang around for a bit. Doing so will encourage other passengers with the same Kopi O License to follow you.

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Before you know it, you’ve already started  another lane. I mean, 2 lanes are definitely better than one right? Especially if both those lanes lead into 1.

Now that you’ve done your part on the road, you should hope that the people on the other side of the lane follow suit.  

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Once you find that the original line can no longer be discerned from the mayhem you’e created, you know you’ve done your part for society. You can now pat yourself on the back.

Traffic Lights Colours Are For Wimps

See that traffic light up ahead? Its yellow. Yup yellow. What do you do?

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Slow down cause it’ll turn red in no time?

Oh that’s soO wong.

When traffic lights turn yellow in Malaysia, you step on it. Like really really step on it. Cause if you don’t, there’ll be half a dozen cars behind you cursing you for not stepping on it.

Don’t want all those curses and swears coming your way do you?

So what happens when the light turns red after the yellow? Simple

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You step on it even more. It’s an unspoken law in our country that even after the traffic lights turn red, you’re allowed to still go on for like 5 more seconds.

Never mind the cars whose lights at their roads have turned green.

Accidents occuring? Nah, not your problem at all. Everybody knows about the 5 second-after-turning-red rule. If they bang you it’s totally their fault. It’s their word against your in court.

Which brings me to my next point ….

Yellow box? I don’t see any yellow box

See that yellow box painted on the road? Best stay off the yellow box no?

Wrong.

Those yellow lines painted on the road look so pretty. Why not park your car over it? Works especially well when you’re coming from the 5 second-after-turning-red rule mentioned above and there’re cars jammed in front and spilling onto the yellow box.

Once again I couldn’t get a picture of a yellow box. So I nicked one off ealingtimes.com ….

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See there was this dude who actually posed at a yellow box. Now, what kind of a nutcase actually poses at a …erhmm …. if you’re reading this please don’t sue me. Hey I did credit you after all.

So like I was saying, park your car over the yellow box and block traffic coming from the right and the left. Honks and curses should come in no time.

That’s the Malaysian way of driving.

Why do I need a signal light anyway?

See those yellow lights at the four corners of your cars? When you’re driving in KL, you have absolutely no use for them. I suggest you rip them right out and either :

1. Sell them off for a quick buck or …

2. Give them to other people who might need them or …

3. …..Nah, nobody uses signal lights in KL so you’re better off just selling them off.

When you want to cut into someone’s lane, why waste time putting the signal light? Just go ahead and cut right in. Of course the person behind you may bang right into you. Or they might stop on time.

When you’re slowing down and looking for a place to park, just slow down. Don’t bother about the car behind you. If he stops in time then good, if he doesn’t then he did knock into you after all.

When you’re bored and somehow feel that you do need to utilize the signal that the good ol car company provided you, then why not do what I saw a person do to me the other day …..

When you want to turn left, signal right. And vice versa!

YipPpeee … Fun for the whole family. Especially when they visit you at the morgue.

The Horn is there so why not use it?

 This is my favourite.

Every car has a horn. I mean it’s there so why not use it?

One great way of giving the ol horn a toot is when you’re all waiting at a traffic light.

Pay close attention to the red light. And once the red light turns green, honk the car in front of you. Never mind that it’s only been a second since the light turned. Honk him anyway.

No other way to show how Malaysian you are than to display the extreme extent of your impatience on the road ….

The time now is 1am ….  I think I’m babbling …..

More Kanasai Guidelines once I’ve done  more research yar …

Kanasai~!!

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7 Responses to “The Kanasai Guide to Driving in KL”

  1. J2Kfm says:

    LOL. this is mad!!!! hahahah … you are really imaginative eh?

    however, most (not all!) of what you wrote is quite true, sadly.

  2. Jay says:

    Hehe. Yup, that’s driving in KL. Blood pressure gets really high. Tachychardia too =P

  3. maRCus says:

    heys Jasor gor.. been awhile eh? haha..

    love your take on Malaysian driving, couldnt agree more!!

    cant wait for your next post up! XD

  4. Jay says:

    Hey man. Fancy meeting you in cyber space. Hehe

    THanks for visiting~!
    =)

  5. Steven says:

    “Be sure to honk at glaring passengers. And if they honk at you first, do not hesitate to show them the finger.”

    “YipPpeee … Fun for the whole family.”

    “Pay close attention to the red light. And once the red light turns green, honk the car in front of you. Never mind that it’s only been a second since the light turned. Honk him anyway.”

    laffin ma arse off!! this must be the best piece in 2009 so far. Well done mate. And thanks for making my day hahahaha!

  6. Jay says:

    Hehe. Glad you like it mate. Been cracking my head for quite some time on this one.

    Cheers

  7. The Kanasai Year That Was …… : K a n a s a i says:

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