New Moon, Flour Face, Annoying Gal and A Bunch Of Half Naked Men …
Posted on November 29, 2009 by Jay
Just came from watching New Moon with the other half and I must say that while she loved it (Edward Cullen in particular), I couldn’t help but worry about the future of humankind.
For I found the entire movie had absolutely no plot and storyline. And yet young girls around the planet are lapping it up. And there were about a hundred and two things wrong with the whole film.
Like the fact that Edward Cullen looks like he dipped his face in a bowl of flour and forgot to wash it off. I mean, what a waste of flour man. Sure he’s supposed to be a vampire and all but like erhm …. don’t vampires feed on blood?
Maybe he went for BTN and got fed on by all the mosquitoes in the jungles of Pahang, resulting in severe anemia …
Not only that, in the movie, he’s got the personality depth of a giant rock…..
He mumbles, speaks in a monotone and is like …. the perfect boyfriend for all girls alike …. For in the course of 2 hours, I watched him :
- Dump the girl high and dry
- Leave the girl in a jungle alone at night (maybe he wants her to be bitten by mosquitoes as well to achieve his complexion)
- Appear in her dreams
- Induce schizophrenia in her by making her see images of him in broad daylight … and he didn’t leave her any anti psychotic pills …
- Entrust her safety onto another monster … namely a werewolf
- Make her drive recklessly halfway across the country in a yellow Porsche to stop him from showing his naked anemic body to the public
- And after all the pain he put her through, still manages to get the girl to sacrifice her life for him ….
Yup. Defnitely every girl’s ‘dream guy’. Heck no … I think he’s every guy’s ‘dream guy’. If he can do it and still get the girl crawling back to him, so can all of us.
The next issue I really need to get out of my system is …. why the bloody hell is everyone half naked in the film?
I’ve never seen so many naked buffed up men since the movie 300 …. and even then they were at least trying to cover up their torsos with whatever little cloth the Spartan government could afford them at that time …
But it really bugs me. Like when the time Jacob sneaked into Bella’s garden and spoke to her at her balcony. And he wasn’t wearing any shirt. Isn’t that creepy to the max?
I tell you arr….. if you were a girl, and you saw a shirtless guy in your garden from your balcony… wouldn’t you like … call the police? Harmsarp guy in your garden what …. Some more his body looks like he’s been on steroids …
Not shy one meh never wear shirt? Kanasai~!
My other half had this wonderful theory that they’re werewolves, so when they shape shifted, it’d save them a whole lot on shirts that would be torn apart….
If that’s the case then answer me this my dear …..
This werewolf got wear trousers meh? So if they’re gonna save money on the shirts, why not don’t wear any pants as well? Levi’s jeans quite expensive leh nowadays …
And apparently in the Twilight saga, everybody runs a lot. Nobody in town has a car except for Bella who has an ugly ass pick up truck.
So we have Edward sending her back to her house, then running back to his house in the dark
Also, we have Jacob running here and there, to Bella’s house, from Bella’s house.
Why the heck is everyone running about? No money to buy transport? Bicycle not that pricey what.
See ….. even Bella runs when she leaves her truck ….. WTF
And most of all the thing that bothers me most about the film is Bella Swan herself …
Ok so Kristen Stewart is like totally hot and all ….
But that doesn’t hide the fact that her character is probably the most indecisive, fickle minded, confused, annoying and downright stupid gal I’ve ever seen ….
Cause here’s the breakdown of what she does throughout the movie ….
- Flour faced, cold and characterless guy dumps her and leaves her to suffer painfully. What does she do? She pines for him for months
- Nice, warm, dependable new guy helps her recover and promises to wait for her. What does she do? She still pines for Mr Flour face…
- She starts seeing visions of Mr Flour Face in broad daylight. What does she do? Instead of seeing a doctor and starting on Clozapine and Risperidone, she does foolish things so that she can see more hallucinations of him. Like jumping off a cliff and following an old harmsarp guy on a joyride
- She wants the vampires to bite her so that she can be a vampire herself. So that she can be an immortal with really bad complexion and red creepy eyes.
- And most of all, after getting dumped in the most horrible manner, the minute Mr Flour Faced turns up again, she goes running back to him …..
I don’t know about you but if it were me, and Edward Cullen wanted me back, I’d give him a kick in the nads, ask him to take a hike and send him off with loads of Folic Acid ….
So at the end of the day we have a film that had no direction whatsoever, a totally clueless girl who’s dating both a vampire and a werewolf and people around the world saying it’s one of the most dramatic love stories of our time ….
Sigh …. like I said, can’t help but wonder about the future of humankind …
Kanasai~!!!
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You wanna know whats really amazing about this review? the fact that you actually watched the entire show man!!!… lol!